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HOW TO DEAL: FRIENDS & FOES TIPS
If you're worried about how your IBD will impact your friendships, you're not
alone. But here's some advice that might help you deal:
- Using Your Own Words
- Setting The Terms
- Letting Them Know How They Can Help
- Rejecting The Rumor Mill
- Choosing Your Reactions
- Accepting That Friendships Change
Dating Tips:
- Trusting What Feels Right
- Being Afraid Of Chasing Someone Off
- Deciding How And When To Tell
Using Your Own Words
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Simple language always works best when breaking the news. You don't
have to reveal everything at once; for example, you can say you have
Crohn's, but not say that you have an ostomy. If people want details, let
them ask you.
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Choosing the right words can make a big difference. Rather than calling
what you have a "disease," to which people might overreact, you can say
you have a "condition" or that there's something wrong with your stomach.
For instance, if you want to let others know what it's like to have
inflammation, you can say, "It's kind of like asthma, but in your intestines."
You may choose to tell people that your condition makes you feel like you
have a really horrible stomach flu most anyone can relate to that! Find
your own words to let people know how your disease makes you feel.
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"Code words" work great (and are kinda fun, too). For instance, think up
an expression for when you want to tell your friends that you need to find a
bathroom fast, or for when you just want to be alone somewhere quiet for
a few minutes. Maybe it's a line from a fave movie, or something based on
a private joke. It can be your way of communicating your needs and wants
to your friends in a personal and effective way.
Setting The Terms
If there are certain topics you'd rather not discuss, tell your friends up front
instead of waiting in dread for them to ask questions you don't want to answer.
Chances are they'll understand and follow your wishes.
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If you don't want to tell your friends about your IBD face-to-face but still
want them to know, you could express yourself through writing.
Sometimes people find that writing a letter or email makes it easier to say
what they want to say. You may even choose to direct them to a Crohn's
& Colitis website so that they can find out information on their own.
Whatever you choose to do is fine--it's a personal decision!
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As you grow more comfortable with your illness, you may be more
comfortable with talking about it, too. For instance, in the beginning you
couldn't bear to talk about getting a colonoscopy, but now that you've had
a couple you realize it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You can take
the lead and let people know if something's no longer off-limits by talking
openly about it. You might even encourage them to ask you questions.
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You may be an expert in medical-speak, but your friends probably aren't.
If you want to describe something, do it in terms they'll understand (and
may find amusing), such as: "For a colonoscopy, they put a camera on the
end of a garden hose and look up your rear end!"
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If you can, laugh at your pain (chances are that as time goes on, you WILL
have a sense of humor about life with IBD). It will probably help ease the
tension and awkwardness with others and help your friends be supportive.
Letting Them Know How They Can Help
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Remember that IBD is hard on our friends, too...especially those we've
been close to for years. They may feel frustrated that they can't help when
you're stuck in the bathroom or unable to share that big tub of movie
popcorn.
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If a friend offers to help, even if it's something general like, "Can I do
anything for you right now?," take him or her up on the offer. It can be
something simple, like asking for a bottle of water or asking him or her to
make a phone call for you. If you need it (and it won't completely gross
you out), you can even just ask for a hug. If you have to miss school
because you're feeling ill, or you have a doctor's appointment, it's a good
idea to ask a friend to bring you your homework or the notes you missed.
Not only does this benefit you, but it also gives your friend the chance to
actually do something to help you out. It's natural to want to be self-reliant,
but taking a moment to decide what a friend can give you might make you
both feel much better.
Rejecting The Rumor Mill
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Although we can control whom we tell, we can't control whom they tell.
Rumors and gossip are facts of life and chances are, you and your very
personal disease may find yourselves the subjects of big-time buzz.
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Try to have a sense of humor about it. If you talk about your disease in a
lighthearted way and are able to joke about some of the hassles, you open
the door for others to laugh with you, rather than feel sorry for you.
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Gossip and rumors hurt, and some people are more sensitive than others.
It's hard to not care when it's your life they're talking about, so if you feel
hurt, allow yourself to be hurt instead of pretending that you're not. Talking
to someone -- a friend, a parent, or even a school counselor -- can help
you let it go. The sting won't last if you don't let it.
Choosing Your Reactions
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Some people like to be prepared with answers to comments and
questions that are bound to come up in conversation at awkward times
and places. For example, decide ahead of time what you're going to say
when someone wants to know how you lost so much weight or why you
were out of school for three weeks--then you won't be caught off guard or
say something you'll later regret.
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For most of us, there are two basic approaches to reacting. One, or a
combination of both, might be right for you:
1) Be honest and straightforward about it. State the facts as you choose
to, and be done with it.
2) Be jokey and funny about it. If you can, think up a few standard
"comebacks" that will make you feel like you haven't revealed too much.
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Protect yourself from the stress that can make your illness worse. Some
days you may be feeling super sensitive and not in the mood to say
anything. If you've kind of had it with the dumb questions, it's OK to walk
away and save yourself the headache.
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We all have bad days. It helps our friends if we're open about it and say
something like, "I'm in a really bad mood. It doesn't have anything to do
with you. Please put up with me!"
Accepting That Friendships Change
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The truth is, friends come in and out of our lives even if we don't have IBD.
That's the normal pattern of relationships. Try to remember this if you feel
like someone is drifting away from you and you've already tried to fix any
problems. Maybe he or she can't handle being close to you at this time, or
maybe this would be happening anyway because you're both growing and
changing.
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If it hasn't already, your UC or Crohn's will change and mature you and
the way you view life and the world. You may feel like you can't connect
with your friends the same way anymore, and that's painful...but normal.
Be patient and focus on the things you and your friends do still have in
common (even if it's not at the exact same level). With time, you'll find a
way to reconnect or even find new friends who more closely share your
perspective.
Dating Tips:
Trusting What Feels Right
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The bottom line is to pay attention to how YOU feel. If it makes you feel
better to be honest from the start, that's the right choice for you. If it feels
too embarrassing, and you would rather this person not know what's going
on for the time being, that's OK. Some young people wait until they feel
closer to a potential BF or GF to tell them. Eventually, if it turns into a real
relationship, you'll probably want them to know what's going on.
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Don't say more than you feel you need to, but try to use common sense,
too. If you're going to a movie and your date asks if you want popcorn, you
can either take the opportunity to explain why you can't have popcorn, or
you can just say, "No thanks." But if you're going to dinner, that's another
story. Not every person who has IBD has dietary restrictions, but if you're
one of the many who do you might have to suggest a restaurant where
you know you can eat something safe; if you don't, you could end up
hungry and cranky...neither of which makes for a fun time!
Being Afraid Of Chasing Someone Off
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If you're worried that telling someone you like will scare him or her away,
that's valid. Because it does happen some people just can't handle it.
But keep in mind that your UC or Crohn's is not the whole you; it's just
something that's been added to you. Hopefully, the more you let someone
see the whole you, the more they'll see how much you have to offer.
Besides, if a person doesn't want to be with you because of your IBD -- do
you really want to be with them in the first place? Think of your IBD as a
way to "screen out" relationships that won't be good for you.
Deciding How And When To Tell
Once you've made the choice to reveal your disease to someone you like, here
are some things to think about that might be helpful:
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Do I tell them in person? Breaking the news face-to-face is the most
direct way, and will give you the most information about how they're
feeling it's easier to tell how someone is reacting when you can look at
them, versus just hearing them on the phone or reading their IMs or e-
mails. If that thought is just too horrifying, use the phone or write it down.
An e-mail or letter allows you to say exactly what you'd like to say without
worrying about being interrupted or thrown off by the other person's
reaction or questions. Your choice!
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Timing is key! Starting the conversation two minutes before a movie
starts or on the way into a party may seem like a good idea, but it doesn't
allow for a real conversation. Try to find a time and place where you feel
comfortable and aren't rushed or distracted by other things. What you're
about to reveal is important! Choose a setting that reflects and honors this.
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How to begin. Sometimes just acknowledging how you're feeling is a
good beginning. For instance, you can say: "It's scary for me to tell you
this," or "There's something I want you to know about me." Being honest
keeps it real. Once you begin, speak from your heart. Stating the facts is
always a good way to get the information across. Leave some space for
your friend to ask questions, to see if they understand. And try to keep it
light even though it's a serious topic, being overly dramatic and super
serious tends to freak people out. Above all, remember that YOU WILL
SURVIVE THIS CONVERSATION.
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