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HOW TO DEAL: FAMILY, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME BUT...TIPS
Even though you may think your family is unlike anyone else's (and actually, you're
right), other teens with UC and Crohn's have been through similar situations. Here's
what helped them:
- Trying To Just Chill
- Getting Outside Help
- Giving Them The Plain Truth
- Working Together
Trying To Just Chill
- Cut everyone a little slack. Each member of your family is probably hurting
emotionally, focusing inwards on how they can manage the stress of this new
situation.
- Imagine what it's like to be your parents and understand where they're coming
from. They love you and want you to get better. If they could, they'd most likely
take your pain upon themselves. But since they can't, they cope in ways that
might annoy you, like worrying too much, being overprotective, or collecting lots
of confusing information about your disease and its treatments. Did you know
that the first stages of life with IBD are generally harder on parents? Even though
the kids are the ones who are physically sick, most of them do better emotionally
than the adults. For many kids, it's almost a relief to finally have a name for the
condition that's been making them feel so horrible, whereas for some parents, it
may be distressing knowing that their child has a diagnosed chronic illness.
- See if you can tell the difference between your parent being overprotective
because you have IBD and your parent being overprotective simply because he
or she cares about your well-being. In other words, try to keep in mind that your
parents would probably be worried or set rules even if you didn't have a disease.
For instance, if your father wants you to be home from a friend's house before a
certain time at night, that's just typical "I want you to be safe" dad-ness.
- Be patient. Eventually, as everyone gets used to life with UC or Crohn's and
(hopefully) your symptoms come under control, your parents will most likely ease
up. In the beginning, everyone's learning. Ride out that learning curve and see
where it takes all of you.
Getting Outside Help
- Getting diagnosed with a serious disease is a BIG DEAL for you and the people
you love. Don't wait until it's Situation Critical before getting help! Instead, why
not start things off right with some outside guidance? Almost every family in this
situation benefits from talking to a professional, even if it's just for a few
sessions to get through that first rocky period. Keep in mind that when you're
physically sick, being emotionally strong and healthy will help you recover. Therapy
-- either individually or with a group -- can really make a difference.
- Support groups are also a great way to sound off, get advice, and simply connect
with other families who are experiencing the same things. You can find groups
for parents, groups for just teens, and groups for families together.
- For support group information and referrals to mental health professionals who
can help, talk to your doctor or contact your local CCFA chapter, found at
www.ccfa.org.
Giving Them The Plain Truth
Do any of these sound like something you wish you could say to your parents?
- "Life with IBD is hard! When I say I'm in pain, I usually am. I'm not
exaggerating or trying to get out of school, chores, or other responsibilities.
Please believe me!"
- "Don't push me to be as social or outgoing as I used to be. I don't feel the
same as all my friends. They worry about crushes and clothes; I worry about
pain and going to the hospital. Besides, I've been poked, prodded, and
maybe even cut open, and that gives me a more mature perspective on life
than my friends have. I haven't quite figured out how I still connect to them,
but I will. This teenage thing is hard enough without being sick. Give me some
time and let me work it out my own way."
- "Listen when I want to talk, but don't push. Sometimes I want to talk about my
disease and sometimes I don't. Let ME decide! After all, there's so much of
my life that's out of control right now; let me at least control how much focus I
put on my disease."
- "Yeah, I may be sick, but I still want to do the things I've always enjoyed. As
long as I feel up to it, I NEED to hang out with my friends, go to movies, play
sports, or even date. Let me be a teen when I can, okay?"
- "I've changed. I'm still the same me inside, but now I have to deal with adult
stuff too. Please don't baby me or go backwards from treating me like a young adult!"
- "Please don't try to hide the truth from me. It's my body; I should know what's
happening to it. I want to hear everything the doctor has to say. When you try
to hide things from me, all it does is make me think the worst."
Think about ways you can let a parent know these things and anything else that's
burning you up inside. Can you sit down and talk face-to-face? Is it easier to write a
letter or e-mail? The sooner you get these things off your chest, the sooner you can
move on to a healthier, happier relationship with your folks -- something that will only
help your IBD get better, too.
If this seems like a really difficult conversation for you to have with your parents, get
some help! Perhaps you know a social worker, guidance counselor, or another adult
relative who can help you explain your point of view to your parents. Another person
standing next to you in a show of support can make all the difference in the world.
Working Together
It may seem impossible, but parents and kids can actually become closer as a result of
the challenges UC or Crohn's puts in front of them, not to mention the intense time
spent together. Seriously! It's been done! Here's what can help:
- Let your parents know that they need to trust you, and your doctor, to stick to a
single action plan. Tell them you don't want to try every new diet that someone
develops, or herbs and teas you can't pronounce. Once your doc lays down the
treatment, all of you need to have faith in that.
- Ask your parents not to talk about your disease with their friends or relatives.
This stuff is hard enough without them talking about your bloody diarrhea at the
summer family picnic, right? Insist that you're the one who should decide who
gets told, and how much; after all, it's your life. Your privacy should be respected.
At the same time, understand that your parent probably needs to talk about
what's going on. Suggest that he or she pick one trustworthy person to confide in
-- and maybe you could pick that person together.
- If you need it, ask for help with taking your meds. Suggest practical ways your
parent can do this without driving you crazy. For instance, Mom can get you a pill
case and help you fill it. Or instead of nagging, "Have you taken your medicine
yet?" Dad can bring you the pills with a glass of water.
- Are the questions driving you crazy? Are you getting "Did you have diarrhea?" if
you spend more than five minutes in the bathroom, or "Are you getting cramps
again?" if you happen to touch your stomach? Try offering your parents a deal:
you'll promise to tell them if anything is wrong if they promise to stop with the
third degree. Ask them to trust you enough to clue them in when necessary (and
then make sure you keep up your end of the bargain).
- When our parents are being super-irritating, we may react by closing up and not
wanting to tell them when we've got pain or are feeling down. This is natural, but
try to remember that it's not what's best for you and your IBD. If there's anything
going on physically or mentally that you think is important -- for instance, you feel
like your symptoms are back or are worried about a medication's side effects --
speak up. Remember that by keeping quiet, your parents won't be the ones who
suffer...that will be you.
- Besides patience and honesty, the best way to get your parents to ease up is to
stick with your treatment plan. Take your meds when you're supposed to. Don't
eat foods that are off-limits. Show them you're on the case and in control, and
they just might realize they don't need to be the IBD police around you anymore.
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